Wonderful Depression

Fair ?

Rich and famous people, love life and worship god. Yes that’s because they have something to be thankful for - I am not thankful for anything. I hate myself, the way I look, my brain activity, my non-self conflicted scars; covered in them unwillingly. Yet I sit and look at these beautiful skinny FLAWLESS girls (who may have been photoshopped) but fucking hell they’re a million times better than I will ever be. Life’s not fair, am just another fucker who is just a number, there is no greater plan for me. I am working class, and I hate to work. Stuck in terrible jobs when I see others being Victoria secret models, doctors and scientist something of a great importance. Life’s not fair, not fair atall.

I simply hate humans, grown adults who have developed a personality and ‘self worth’  everyone is selfish. If you don’t fit into their way of living then your aren’t their friend they don’t want anything to with you YET you are the weird one who doesn’t want to drink as often as they do. Yet am the weird one who doesn’t want to piss my money away… to make an arse of myself. YES i have changed, i have grown up… may you should to ?

Our society has developed resulting in change of the over all process of our living. Attitudes have changed what may of been deemed ordinary and respectable - is now seen as a joke. Drinking and “living for the weekend” has captured our generations souls, zero need for greater ambitions only the need to gain selfsteem from the new 21stC ‘culture.’ What was of a high importance isn’t of one now.

I have had well over 7000 nights of darkness in my life yet I fear it, dark room, lack of version and awareness. My heart is pounding my body is stiff. What’s out there ?

I recieve compliments “beautiful, stunning” every day of my life am surrounded by people who seem too like me yet, I can’t be happy. I don’t believe a word they say - I can’t possibly be those words “you’re lying” I brush it off my brain feels numb empty? Yet filled with emotions, I find it even hard to speak its like am dead but yet living a life I don’t wont to live.

I delete myself from every social networking site, because am trying to delete myself from the world. If only I had an deactivate button it be easy and painless.